My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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