I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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