is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
