Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You may now shotgun with the bride
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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