oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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