I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
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Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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