Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
