Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
