How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
