I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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