True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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