It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
