Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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