I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
