in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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