FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
