went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
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Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
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When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I broke a rule
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.