I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
