Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
