just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
