two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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