its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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