I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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