your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
