He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
