I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
