Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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