The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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