i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
