My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
