she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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