he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
