You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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