i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
