Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
