I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
