Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
