I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
