my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
