Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
