Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
