That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
