Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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