i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
