Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
