Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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