I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
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The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
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I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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