Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
