Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
