my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
