i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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