Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
