he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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