You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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