Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
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if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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