I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
